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Foundation Parents and Kids is a non profit organization working as speciaL consultative status with United Nations.

 


(11) Parents & Kids

Learn New Habits to Take Care of You

If there is anything that we wish to change in our children, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves.

- Carl G. Jung

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(12) Parents & Kids

 Queen-Mathilde

M13

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN

HER ROYAL MAJESTY THE QUEEN MATHILDE

UNICEF

Instead of punishing our children by sending them into isolation, let’s offer ourselves time-out to discover our own needs, our own true selves. You cannot give to your child until you give to yourself.

-Cheri Huber

 Your Self-Regard Matters

There is nothing like parenting to show you your shortcomings and less than-perfect places. There is no one like your own child to test your relationship ability and agility in the moment, over and over and over again. And to let you know when your walk does not match your talk.

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(13) Parents & Kids

 What You Can Do: Express Yourself Honestly Without Evaluation or Fault-Finding

You can’t make your kids do anything. All you can do is make them wish they had. And then, they will make you wish you hadn’t made them wish they had.

-Marshall B. Rosenberg

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(14) Parents & Kids

"Counting Apples" - Education for Children and Babies, Kids Learn to Count Numbers 1234

PK141

 

Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse?

 -Jane Nelsen

  What You Can Do: Be Clear about What You Want from Your Kids

When you want something from your kids, ask yourself the following two questions: What do I want my child to do? What do I want my child’s reasons to be for doing what I want them to do-guilt, shame, fear of punishment, to get a reward, or to participate and to contribute to their well-being and the well-being of the family?

 Notice: When children do something because they feel guilty, ashamed, afraid of punishment, or anxious to get a reward, you will pay a big price. Guilt, shame, and punishment often trigger anger and revenge. Rewards trigger behaviors very much like addiction: you will be required to continually offer bigger rewards to get the compliance you want.

Decide: Is it worth it to you to interact with your children in ways that trigger their guilt, shame, anger, revenge, and bargaining for bigger rewards?

  Habits of Thinking and Communicating

 Even when your objective is to connect respectfully with your kids, habitual ways of listening and talking to them can get in the way. Throughout this book we will distinguish between communication that fuels conflict and communication that defuses conflict and facilitates co-operation.

The use of two words-in particular, the words but and should-dramatically affect how your kids will respond to what you say. Notice how often you use these two words and the responses you receive from your kids when you use them.

Imagine you are your child hearing the following messages: I really had fun with you at the game, but . . . I know you’re having fun playing, but . . . I hear what you’re saying, but . . . Kids know exactly what is coming next-something that should be done differently. And that’s the only part of your statement that they will hear and register. The word but is an eraser: it wipes out everything that was said before it. The word should is even more dangerous. When you use the word should-and any of its forms including must, need to, and ought to-you are actually saying I know what’s best for you, and without checking in with you to see what you think and feel about it, I’m going to tell you what to do. There is nothing that triggers a child’s distress faster than a parent’s demands. When your kids hear demands or commands, fear and anxiety are stimulated, the reasoning centers of the brain shut down, and they go into fight, flight, or freeze mode. You have no doubt experienced them digging in their heels, tuning you out, or otherwise shutting down.

The word should also communicate to kids that you have an ideal or expectation of what they should be. If you are holding on to ideals or expectations about how your child should be, you are likely to miss what your child is trying to express. And their deep needs to be seen and heard, to be accepted, and to feel safe will go unmet.

The degree to which you entertain should think will also determine the amount of anger you experience. It is should thinking-not what other people do-that is the cause of anger and other negative feelings and emotions. When what you are seeing and hearing doesn’t match how you think things should be, the difference between the ideal and the real trigger your emotions. Should thinking then lashes out to blame, criticize, and shame others. (Alternately, blame, criticism, and shame can be directed towards yourself, in which case you will feel depressed.) The same should thinking that provokes anger, conflict, and aggression between parents and children is also what contributes to pain and aggression between groups, political parties, and nations throughout the world.

 It is an open question whether any behavior based on fear of eternal punishment can be regarded as ethical or should be regarded as merely cowardly.

-Margaret Mead

 What You Can Do: Use a Language of Respect

 These are the main points we’d like to leave with you here:

 (1) Children learn from whom you are and what you do rather than what you tell and teach them,

 (2) Children will usually respond in kind when respect and co-operation are shown to them,

 (3) Your needs and your children’s needs are equally important, and

 (4) You can replace habits that fuel conflict with those that defuse and resolve conflict.

 

 

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(15) Parents & Kids

 PK15

The 7 Keys to Co-operation

You must be the change you want to see in the world.

-Gandhi

The 7 keys gradually develop parents’ capacity to establish a home as a No-Fault Zone-a place where valuing every family member’s needs equally and doing one’s best to meet them replaces fault-finding, punishment, and reward.

Key 1 • Parent with Purpose helps you align with your deepest reasons for parenting and your deepest desires for your children.

Key 2 • See the Needs Behind Every Action takes the mystery out of why children act the way they do and introduces a needs focused approach to parenting.

Key 3 • Create Safety, Trust, & Belonging draws upon scientific research to confirm the crucial role that physical and emotional safety plays in children’s development, and then shows you how to provide it.

Key 4 • Inspire Giving invites you to identify your child’s gifts, receive them gratefully, and encourage a mutual flow of giving and receiving.

Key 5 • Use a Language of Respect walks you, step by step, through the process language of Nonviolent Communication, showing how you can translate all criticism and blame into respectful expression of needs.

Key 6 • Learn Together As You Go encourages you to explore, investigate, and co-create with your children, with the confidence that there are many ways to do things and many strategies to meet needs.

Key 7 • Make Your Home a No-Fault Zone reveals the true source of conflict and the path you can take to transform conflict situations into heartfelt connections.

 Key 1 - Parent with Purpose Key Concepts

As the speed of life accelerates, everyone needs something solid to hang on to-some ballast for the high seas and a compass to navigate the dizzying array of choices you face every day. You need to know what purpose you are serving, what you are choosing for.

Your children also need to navigate through their own galaxy of choices, fueled by fads, ads, and ever-changing must haves. They also need a calm home port to anchor in when their lives are rough-and-tumble. Parents who are able to define meaning and purpose for their lives, including their parenting lives, help meet vital needs for children, including stability, security, safety, and guidance in how to find one’s own pole stars.

Responsibility is fostered by allowing children a voice and wherever indicated a choice in matters that affect them.

- Haim Ginott

 Choose Your Purpose

Pressures to work harder, achieve more, and have more are at an all-time high. Moms, dads, and kids, too, are speeding up to keep up, which means operating more of the time on autopilot and reacting quickly to circumstances, in a kind of crisis mode. Crisis mode is essential when there is real danger-during a wildfire, a flood, or an accident. In these times of peril, the body delivers adrenaline to make you alert and responsive. Your safety and your life depend on these automatic reactions. In the past, crises occurred from time to time. Today, however, the pace of life, high performance standards, news media, and instant communication systems combine to create a heightened sense of crisis in daily life, not only for parents, but for kids as well. In short, families are suffering from crisis overload. Stressed parents in a rush snap at kids-and kids snap back (or they dig in their heels and hide out in their rooms). When you and your kids are in crisis overload, family life can become a battle zone characterized by mutual blame and perpetual arguments.

If you are operating on autopilot, you will probably feel like a victim of circumstances doing your utmost just to get through the day and all the while using habitual ways of thinking, listening, and speaking that add fuel to crises and conflict. When you are in crisis mode, it can be hard to recognize that at every moment you have choices about how to respond.

Nonetheless, from morning to night each of us is continually making choices about how to act, how to talk, and how to listen. Equally important, those who study our inner lives have gathered strong evidence that we also actively choose how we think. This is why it is crucial for each of us to know what we are choosing for. When we know what we are choosing for and we become aware of the choices we are making, each of us increases our ability to respond to life in ways that support our choices. Clearly knowing what you are parenting for provides you guidance for making daily choices about how to parent.

 

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