Consequences of Stressed Parenting
Feelings Are Helpful Messengers of Met and Unmet Needs
Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone; it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new.
-Ursula K. LeGuin
Feelings play an important role in your needs-messaging system. Feelings are like the panel on your dashboard: they alert you to whether your needs are being fulfilled or not. Pleasurable feelings such as happy, satisfied, and joyful give the message that needs are being fulfilled in that moment. Painful feelings like sad, upset, and frustrated give the message that some needs are not being fulfilled. Paying attention to your feelings and listening to their messages will give you important clues about your needs. Paying attention to the feelings of other people will give you important messages about how they are and, if you look further, about what they value or need.
Explore for Yourself
Think of a time when you felt joyful. What need was fulfilled that stimulated that feeling?
Think of a time when you felt frustrated or disappointed. What need was not fulfilled and was calling for your attention?
Think of a time when your child felt delighted. What need was being fulfilled at that time?
Think of a time when your child felt very sad. What need was not being fulfilled that gave rise to that sadness?
Children Want to Be Heard and Understood
If your child lashes out at a sibling or at you, they are screaming, I have some unmet needs! Blaming or scolding them will only add to their pain. Instead, you can take time to listen respectfully to what’s going on underneath their pain by hearing their feelings and needs. More than anything, children, (and all people) want to be heard and understood for what’s really going on. When your child screams because another child took her toy, you could guess that she wants consideration or more control over her toys. Either of these guesses (whether silent guesses or out loud) will bring more connection with your child than if you judge her reactions as inappropriate, over reactive, or immature because you’re thinking that she should share.
Seeing needs leads to more effective actions, while being blind to need can lead to actions you may well regret. If you feel irritable and tired at the end of a day and recognize that you haven’t eaten anything since breakfast, your need is most likely for nutrition. With this need clearly in mind, you can prepare something that will be nourishing. However, if you feel irritable and tired and don’t look for the cause of those feelings, you might, without thinking, grab a candy bar or snap at your child.
Sadly, it is uncommon in our society to think in terms of feelings and needs. Few people have a vocabulary of feelings that extends beyond mad, sad, glad, and frustrated, and most people have been taught that having needs reflects badly on their character, that it indicates they are selfish or needy. A common belief is that a strong person doesn’t need anything and a good person puts her or his needs last.
People who don’t know that they have needs, who believe that it is unacceptable to have needs, and who have a limited vocabulary for talking about feelings and needs often act in ineffective and even destructive ways.
Explore for Yourself
Think of a time when you knew what you needed and chose to do something to meet that need.
What was the need?
What did you do to help meet your need?
How did you feel?
Think of a time when someone told you what would help them meet their need and you were willing and able to help.
What was their need?
What did you do to help meet their need?
How did you feel?
What needs of yours were met?
Summary
The fact that all behavior is an attempt to meet a need takes the mystery out of why children act the way they do and introduces a needs-focused approach to parenting. With this focus, parents can help kids learn to take more responsibility for meeting their own needs. Feelings are recognized as messages about whether or not needs are being fulfilled, and when parents have the skills to identify feelings, link them with the needs behind them, and strategize ways to meet them, children feel heard and understood.
Daily Practice
When you see the needs at the root of behavior, respect and co-operation will increase. While observing your children, your co-workers, or characters on TV, ask yourself, what needs are they trying to meet with what they’re doing?
Observe your own actions and check to see what needs you are meeting. Ask yourself, what needs am I trying to meet with what I’m doing? To develop an awareness of what’s going on with you, at different times in the day, stop, and ask yourself, what am I feeling now? What needs are present?
