Gender Neutral Parenting: Why We’re Raising Our Son Neither Boy Or Girl
Key 4 • Inspire Giving
Giving makes the other person a giver also, and they both share in the joy of what they have brought to life. In the act of giving lies the expression of my aliveness.
-Eric Fromm
Co-operation, or operating together, implies that all parties have something to share. Even at very early ages, children have a surprisingly delightful ability to share with parents. By recognizing the gifts your children have to give and by developing the skills to gratefully receive them, you meet deep needs for contribution for you and your children that affect the core of self-worth for each of you.
Giving Is a Fundamental Human Need
Your children have a need to contribute to your well-being and to the well-being of the family as a whole. As we see it, a primary parental role is to inspire giving-to help young people understand what they have to share and how they can share it in a way that it can be received. Of course, to inspire this give-and-take means to actively value a mutual exchange and actively find ways for children to contribute to the stream of giving. Handing kids a list of chores to do and telling them when they need to be completed doesn’t inspire giving-nor do threats, punishments, or rewards.
Giving comes naturally to human beings when it isn’t forced. In fact, giving may be the source of the greatest joy possible. Simple acts of heartfelt giving are continually taking place in a family: Parents get up night after night to comfort and feed their newborn infant. A child rushes home from school with a colorfully wrapped present she has made in preschool and excitedly places it on her dad’s favorite chair. Family members gather in the kitchen to make dinner together.
A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.
-Maya Angelou
You and Your Children Have Many Gifts to Give
Everyone, including children, possesses a wealth of ideas, talents, skills, and fruits of their interests that they can share. Some people give their singing, some give vegetables from their garden, some give cookies, some give poems or paintings. Even if all personal skills and talents were set aside, there are some things that we all can give: time, energy, attention, listening, or even a smile. Just sitting in the same room with someone who is ill can be helpful, so sharing time can be a gift. When a family member has a big job to do, lending a helping hand is a gift. When a friend is in distress, attention and listening can be a gift. When children are sad or scared, sometimes just holding them is the gift.
From the moment they are born, infants are bursting with their own kinds of gifts to give, including their warmth, their trusting gaze, and their smiles. Children of all ages continually offer their playful spirits, laughter, inquisitiveness, honesty, affection, and humor. If parents are able to recognize and receive these gifts, their children will grow up knowing what powerful givers they are and how happy they feel when what they have to give is received. If children have so many gifts to give, why is it common to hear parents complaining about how little their children do around the house? There are many roadblocks to kids contributing: Many don’t think they have anything to give. Parents often fail to recognize that contributions need to be made willingly. Parents often focus on the negative and don’t take time to acknowledge the positive contributions their children make. Many parents are fixed on their own agenda of what, when, and how kids should contribute.
Here’s a story about one parent who took time to recognize and receive the gift his son was offering him. Dad was rushing to get himself and his six-year-old son, Josh, dressed and out the door so he could get Josh to school and get himself to work on time. When, instead of putting on his socks, Josh started jumping up and down with excitement and began telling his dad a joke he had just made up, Dad immediately felt irritated and was about to say, Come on, we don’t have time for jokes. We have to go, NOW! but caught himself before he took this route. He knew that if he delivered this message it would only create more stress for both of them. He stopped, took a breath, and said, Josh, I see how excited you are to tell me your joke, and I want to hear it. I love laughing with you, and I’d like it if you could tell me the joke when I can be relaxed enough to really listen and enjoy it, like in the car. Would you get dressed fast and then tell the joke in the car? Josh was able to do this. And while this approach doesn’t always work out as smoothly as in this example, taking time to receive a child’s gift instead of pushing him aside always works in the long run.
