Don’t Rush Them
I had a boss once who had a great line for preventing people from pressuring him. If ever you tried to push him into a decision about anything he’d say, “If you want an answer now, it’s no.” That was really helpful, actually, brusque as it sounded, because he could easily have just said no without letting on that you might have got a yes if you’d waited. That’s what lots of people do, sometimes without really recognizing that they’re doing it.
The fact is that, for most decisions, no is a safer answer than yes. It simply maintains the status quo-how much trouble can you create just by declining someone’s request? Very little. Whereas saying yes could lead to all sorts of hassle and ramifications and difficulties and unpleasantness.
You really can’t afford to say yes unless you’ve had plenty of time to think through all the possible consequences. And if you’re not being given that time-if you’re being put under pressure for an answer-it’s much safer to say no. Not to mention quicker and easier and gets the whole thing off your back.
So if you want to help the other person says yes to you, it’s really important not to rush them into a decision.
If they’re really dragging their feet to the point where it’s causing problems, try asking them when they’ll be able to give you an answer. That doesn’t pressure them but lets you know where you stand.
As a complete aside here, I would just remark that this is a brilliant answer to give other people when you don’t want them rushing you. I find it works very well with kids, who try to catch you in an unguarded moment to ask for things you’re not sure they should have. Try saying “If you want an answer now, its no” to a teenager, and suddenly they’re happy for you to take all the time you need to think about it.
Give Them What They Want
It would be lovely if everyone in this world was filled with altruism and love of humankind. Well, some of them are of course, but even they still have personal wants, too. So give them something in exchange for saying yes.
I don’t mean a bunch of flowers or a box of chocolates-although there are times when that may be appropriate. I mean before they’ve said yes. Let them know that helping you will benefit them in some way.
No, I’m not talking about bribery. I’m not suggesting you slip your boss a brown envelope full of cash in exchange for putting your name forward to head up the next big project. Indeed I’m not talking about making anything conditional on them saying yes.
I’m just saying you should draw their attention to any benefits they’ll derive personally from saying yes to you.
If your dad minds the kids for you, he’ll get more time with them, followed by a peaceful evening once they’ve gone to bed. If the next PR manager comes from your boss’s department, that will reflect well on the boss. If your partner helps you lose weight, you’re much more likely to agree to the kind of vacation that entails lazing around in a swimsuit. If your in-laws help you buy a house, you’ll be able to move nearer to them.
Sometimes you can add in a benefit (we can move nearer to you), and sometimes it’s just a matter of drawing their attention to a benefit that will come automatically if you get what you want. Either way, make sure they’re fully aware of all the ways this could help them get something they want, too.
Make ThemThink It Was Their Idea
If you’re anything like me, it goes against the grain to give anyone else the credit for your good ideas. But look, who gets credit isn’t the point here. The real prize is the whatever-you-want that you’re reading this book to help you get. Who cares about little bits of credit along the way? And in fact, following on from the previous page, if the other person thinks there’s credit to be had for a good idea, let them have it. It all helps you on your way.
All you have to do is follow the logical steps toward the idea without actually reaching the conclusion. Then you just wait for them to finish your sentence for you. “Of course it would be lovely to live nearer to you, but houses around your way are that bit pricier. I don’t think we’d be able to get a fourth bedroom and we really do need it. We’re just a few thousand short for a deposit. We’ll have to wait a few years for our next move before we can just pop down the road to see each other.” To which, hopefully, your mother replies, “Unless…maybe we could lend you just a few thousand…it would be lovely to have you close by…,” and you respond, “What a clever idea!” Now that it’s her idea and not yours, it’s much harder for her to change her mind.
Sometimes, if they’re almost there but not getting it, you can wait until the conversation moves on-maybe wait a week or two-and then say, “Do you know, I thought your idea about moving to house/joining forces was a clever/sensible/workable one.” If you’re praising the idea they’re unlikely to deny it, and maybe they misremembered-maybe it was their idea….
Discourage Their Bad Ideas
Of course, you’re not the only one with ideas. Other people will come up with schemes and suggestions too. Some of them will be good, some may even be directly helpful to you, and some…well, some will just be downright bad ideas. And, what’s more, they may threaten to get in the way of what you want. Like your partner’s suggestion of moving your in-laws in with you. It might work for some people, but in your case it’s clearly going to be a disaster. Or your colleague proposing that you all take turns to project manages the year’s trade shows instead of having one overall project manager. Or your best friend insisting that you really must join her on her latest fad diet.
I know one couple who has been together many years. He is somewhat prone to coming up with suggestions that she really can’t stand. However, if she says so it can start an argument, and he may become more entrenched. This is the danger when you disagree with someone-you draw attention to his idea and encourage him to promote it more actively, which is the opposite of what you want. So in the case of this particular couple (and probably many others) she’s developed a successful technique over the years. When he comes up with an idea she doesn’t like, she just says, “Mmmm.” Faced with this resounding lack of enthusiasm, but without a direct challenge, he generally forgets about it sooner or later.
So don’t try to shout down the ideas that get in your way. Just ignore them, and there’s a good chance they’ll simply go away.
