The hardest battle is to be nobody but world that is doing its best, night and day, to make you like everybody else.
– E. E. Cummings
Learn from Your Child’s Gift of Liveliness
In some ways your children are as much guides for your life as you are for theirs. It is our belief that kids come into parents’ lives to be a source of inspiration and a reminder of how lively and engaging life can be. For children the world is a giant laboratory, and they are very serious explorers of it. Watch, experiment with them, and learn from them because they can help you remember how to be deeply in love with life.
Children play and explore, laugh and wonder right out loud. They provide a constant invitation for us to join them. Accept their invitation and cross the line into their world. Take as much spirit and willingness with you as you want them to bring to your world. Let them be your eyes and ears. Imagine how it must feel to walk through sand for the first time, to balance on two wheels and zoom through space, to pluck petals from a daisy and sense the flower slightly tugging back, to hear an airplane or the wind or a crow caw for the first time. Their awe can be yours. They are willing and waiting to share it with you.
Your teens can remind you how painful and awkward you once felt in social situations, just the way they are feeling now. They can help you remember how bored you were by homework and how excited and scared you were when you went on your first date. Your willingness to allow your teens to remind you of what it was like to be a teen is your link with their life as they are now living it, and with their heart.
Contributing to the well-being of others is a fundamental need, even for children. When parents recognize and receive the gifts children have to give, they inspire the child’s natural desire to give. Children are always giving of themselves-their liveliness, their laughter, and their love. Parents are invited to receive this precious gift and learn from it.
Daily Practice
Notice and acknowledge the gifts your child is offering.
Find ways for your child to experience herself or himself as a powerful giver.
Notice when you are giving if the giving is free or if there are strings attached.
Children need to be enjoyed and valued, not managed.
– Daniel J. Siegel
Key 5 • Use a Language of Respect
Key Concepts
• Remember your intention.
• Notice the flow of communication.
• Make clear observations—free of evaluations.
• Connect with feelings and needs.
• Make do-able requests.
• Listen with empathy.
How many times have you said something to your child and then wished you could have erased those words?
How often have you said, I didn’t mean to say that! or I don’t know where that came from!
How many times have you experienced some instant recognition?
That sounded just like my mother when she got mad!
Language matters! Words can incite and fuel conflict. They also have the power to engender respect and understanding and inspire co-operation.
The good news is that you can greatly enhance your ability to connect with your kids if you learn and practice language that does not judge, criticize, blame, or demand but instead keeps a respectful focus on needs.
This key focuses in particular on the specific components of Nonviolent Communication (NVC). Learning these skills will serve you in a couple of ways: You will be able to transform judgments, blame, criticism, and demands into respectful, compassionate ways of thinking andseeing. You will also be guided in how to respectfully listen to others and how to honestly and respectfully express yourself.
This language of respect is called by many names, including Nonviolent Communication, compassionate communication, effective communication, and the language of the heart. It is also called Giraffe Language for learning and for fun. The giraffe was chosen as a symbol because of its large heart (twenty-six pounds!) and because of its long neck, which allows for a broad perspective. In contrast, the way of thinking and speaking that judges, blames, criticizes, finds fault, and makes demands is referred to as Jackal Language. Bear in mind that these metaphors are meant to be convenient and fun terms that refer to two kinds of thinking, not labels to support a belief that there are two kinds of people. Anyone can be susceptible to Jackal thinking, listening, and talking. As well, anyone can begin now to learn a new language of connection and respect. (For more about Giraffe and Jackal, see the information in Part III, Topic: Giraffe & Jackal Culture.
The objective of Nonviolent Communication is not to change people and their behavior in order to get our way: it is to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy which will eventually fulfill everyone’s needs.
-Marshall B. Rosenberg
Remember Your Intention
Words matter. However, intention is still 90 percent of communication. Without a clear and conscious intention to connect, even the most skillfully crafted expression can be heard as hollow or manipulative. Remember that the sole intention of Giraffe Language is to make a heartfelt connection with oneself and with others-and to respect and care for everyone’s needs.
Use these questions to check your intentions in any interaction:
Do I want to connect right now?
Or do I want to be right and get my way?
If you want to be right and get your way, you aren’t yet ready to make a connection with another person.
