Jerry Seinfeld Analyzes Modern-Day Parenting
In the sixteenth century, Chinese porcelain occasionally arrived in England, sometimes by way of the Levant, sometimes by sea around the Cape of Good Hope. As it was very rare and considered a special treasure, the most accomplished English silversmiths were often commissioned to make mounts for it. Pieces such as these were regarded as suitable for royal gifts or for the furnishing of princely houses. The ewer shown here is one of a group of Chinese porcelains of the Wanli period(1573–1620), with silver-gilt mounts made in London by an unidentified silversmith about 1585. They were all acquired by the Museum from the estate of J. P. Morgan. Ewer, 16th century (ca. 1585).
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Only in growth, reform, and change, paradoxically enough, is true security to be found.
-Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Key 7 • Make Your Home a No-Fault Zone
Key Concepts:
• Choose to see conflict as a problem to solve.
• Trust that your needs can get met.
• Trust that needs will lead to solutions.
• Co-operate to resolve conflicts.
• Move from the Battle Zone to the No-Fault Zone.
Keys 1 through 6 have been gradually showing you how to transform your home into a No-Fault Zone.
These are the characteristics of a No-Fault Zone:
Everyone attempts to understand the good reasons people do things.
Everyone trusts that each person’s needs will be considered and cared for.
Everyone learns to focus on needs rather than on criticism or blame.
Everyone co-operates to make life more fun and wonderful for one another.
Transforming your home into a No-Fault Zone has the potential to reduce conflict by 90 percent. To handle the other 10 percent that does come up, we share a way of seeing conflict that may be new to you. We also address the choices you have for handling heated interactions and give specific suggestions for working with these interactions co-operatively. We realize that growing the capacity to sustain fault-free interactions requirepractice and that there will be days when you are in the zone you want to be in and days when you aren’t. For those off days and times, ideas are given for how to get back to your purpose for parenting and to your intention for co-operative interaction.
Choose to See Conflict as a Problem to Solve
Out beyond ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
-Rumi
Conflict has gotten a bad rap. It is usually considered something to avoid, and parents often think that something’s wrong with them or with their family when conflicts arise. Wherever people meet, however, there are going to be some clashes-some occasions when you bump into each other in the hallway of life. Learning together how to move around and with each other at these moments will serve you and your children well, now and for the rest of your lifelong relationship.
The most common conflicts in homes everywhere have to do with ordinary, daily situations—bedtimes and rising times, sharing toys and household chores, what to buy at the store, and when and how to get out the door in the morning. These everyday occurrences don’t have to become conflicts. With giraffe eyes and ears they can be viewed as puzzles or problems to solve and turned into discussions rather than arguments or fights. From this less emotional perspective, disagreements and clashes can be a chance for family members to reevaluate and explore their options as well as an opportunity for them to learn more about each other.
What stands in the way of seeing daily differences as problems to solve, rather than conflicts, is fear. Specifically, it is the fear that I’m not going to be able to meet my needs. This fear can quickly lead to anger (or other intense emotions), defensiveness, or aggression. When every member of the family trusts that his or her needs matter and will be addressed, the fear, tension, anger, and defensiveness surrounding everyday interactions begin to dissolve. Only then will you be able to welcome differences as problems to solve and opportunities to deepen family connections. The good news is, it takes only one person-one person practicing the skills developed in this book and trusting that by addressing everyone’s needs differences can be worked out-to avert conflict. By developing your skills and holding this trust for your family, you can be the one to allay fears and prevent, reduce, and resolve conflict in your home.
The following story is an example of how a father averted conflict by focusing on his son’s and his own needs rather than letting his fear turn to anger:
Dale, a dad who practices NVC, came home from work one day. Before he was through the door, his four-year-old son, Stevie, bounced up to greet him, grabbing hold of his pant leg and exclaiming, Daddy, daddy, come play with me! Immediately, Dale put his hand out to get some distance between them. Tension was apparent in his voice, not right now. Daddy’s tired. I can play later. Feeling this resistance, the boy started jumping up and down with insistence. Dale reacted in kind, repeating his message with increased firmness: I said, not right now. I’ll play with you later.
Then Dale stopped in his tracks. He noticed how uptight he was feeling and how sad, too, to feel and hear his negative response to Stevie’s exuberance and eagerness to play with him. He knew he didn’t want to continue on that track, so he took a couple of deep breaths and took a Time In to connect with his feelings and needs. Hmmm. I’m feeling afraid. I see I’m worried I won’t get a chance to wash up and unwind. I need to protect myself, so I can shift my energy and relax. I really want to connect and play with Stevie. Feeling more self-connected, Dale turned to his son with a proposal: Hey, Stevie, I see you are really ready to play. And I’d like to play with you, too. I’d also like to change my clothes and wash up a bit. I have an idea. How about we sit on the couch for five minutes and you tell me all about your day. Then I’ll go do the things I need to do before we play. What do you say? Stevie responded, how long will it take you, Dad? And Dale replied, I estimate fifteen minutes. Shall we time it?
In some situations it may take more rounds of conversation than this to come up with a plan that everyone agrees to. However, Dale’s ability to get into a problem-solving conversation with Stevie rather than get into a conflict is what made all the difference here. When Dale noticed his fear that his need for relaxation wouldn’t be met, he made a strategic choice: to stop going with the fear and instead take a Time In to check in with himself. He could then see that, along with relaxation, he also had a need to connect with Stevie. And he wanted to contribute to Stevie’s needs for play and connection. Since Dale knew that there are ample strategies in the world to fulfill needs, it didn’t take him long to shift his focus from protecting himself to proposing something that could work to meet both their needs.
When you don’t see how you will meet all the needs present, you might feel perplexed, frustrated, or conflicted. However, it is when you also believe that you can’t meet your needs that you will feel stronger feelings of fear, irritation, or desperation. Parents who know that there are abundant resources for solving problems find they can shift out of fear more quickly and relax when they don’t know exactly how things will work out. When parents relax and trust that solutions are just around the corner, kids will relax, too, and trust that there are almost always satisfying solutions to be found.
