Dr. Gabor Maté: Consequences of Stressed Parenting
Family Activities & Stories from the No-Fault Zone
In all cultures, language sustains certain ways of seeing, thinking, expressing, and listening. Giraffe Language expresses and supports a culture that values honesty, compassion, and respectful interactions. It demonstrates the love that is promoted by spiritual traditions around the world.
For thousands of years, however, people have been learning and using language that makes respectful, co-operative relationships difficult. This language has contributed to a tremendous amount of pain in the world, including conflicts that arise every day in families.
Jackal Language
The Jackal is the symbol of this habitual language because jackals run low to the ground and have a limited view of things. When thinking and speaking in Jackal Language, a person sees a very limited range of choices about how to do things:
Labels people: You’re mean. She’s bossy. He’s dumb. I’m lazy.
Judges: I’m right. You’re wrong. We’re good. They’re bad.
Blames: It’s her fault. You should have. I’m to blame.
Denies choice: You have to. You can’t. I can’t. They made me.
Makes demands: If you don’t do what I say, you’ll be sorry.
Far from facilitating heartfelt connections and co-operation, Jackal Language serves to disconnect people from themselves and one another. Yet with no other models for a different way of speaking, it is taken for granted.
Giraffe Language
The language of compassion goes by many names: Nonviolent Communication (NVC), Compassionate Communication, and the Language of Life. It is also known as Giraffe Language because giraffes have the largest heart of any land animal and because the giraffe’s neck gives it a long and broad perspective on life.
A Giraffe perspective includes vision and a big heart-an integration of thinking and feeling. People speaking Giraffe Language can see many ways to meet needs, and they stick their necks out to be honest about what’s going on for them, to ask for what they want, and to listen to what others feel and need.
Many teachers of NVC use Giraffe and Jackal puppets and ears to clarify key distinctions. The puppets and ears also provide visual cues for role-plays and contribute fun and laughter to the learning process.
Puppets and ears are not necessary for learning NVC; however, most young children and adults enjoy them. Young people between the ages of ten and eighteen years old often view puppets and ears as childish.
Giraffe and Jackal metaphors are meant to be convenient and fun terms referring to two kinds of thinking, not labels to support a belief that there are two kinds of people. We are all susceptible to Jackal thinking, listening, and talking. And anyone can begin now to learn Giraffe, a language of compassion and respect.
Family Activities & Stories from the No-Fault Zone
1. The International Center for Nonviolent Communication’s use of the image and term Giraffe is in no way connected to The Giraffe Project, a completely separate organization that has its own training and educational materials.
2. Puppets and ears can be purchased at the website for the Center for Nonviolent Communication, www.cnvc.org. Some of the activities in this book make use of Giraffe and Jackal Ears, so we have included a template for making your own. (See “Giraffe & Jackal Ears” in Topic: Giraffe & Jackal Play.)
Topic: Family Meetings
Title: Co-Create Agreements
Objective: To make and work with family agreements that meet needs for everyone
Type of Activity
When everyone who is affected by agreements also participates in making them, several things happen that contribute to respect and co-operation. Everyone becomes an active participant in family decision-making. And co-creating family agreements generally meets needs for participation, respect, consideration, and assurance that needs matter in the home, for parents as well as for kids.
In contrast, when parents set the rules and determine the consequences for breaking them, parents become the enforcers who note when transgressions occur and hand out punishments.
To co-create family agreements, begin by asking the question: What kind of home do you want? What do you need to feel safe enough to be yourself?
Needs most often expressed are safety, learning, respect, consideration for others, and care for the environment. Once a list of needs is generated, each family member can list some behaviors that would help meet those needs.
So what happens when someone in the family does something that doesn’t meet the needs expressed by the other family members?
Any family member can (1) express what s/he observes, (2) express how s/he feels about what is going on, (3) say what needs s/he has that are not met by what is happening, and (4) make a very specific request.
The primary point to be made here is that no one steps in to punish a wrongdoer. Those people who are affected when another family member doesn’t observe the agreements need to speak for themselves and ask for what they want.
Topic: Family Meetings
Title: Create a
Objective: To create a family statement of how you want to interact with one another and what is individually and collectively important to you (this is a good way to establish a sense of safety, trust, and belonging)
Type of Activity: Discussing and writing
Materials: White or colored paper, colored markers and/or colored pencils
Procedure: Each person contributes ideas about what she or he needs to feel physically and emotionally safe. Compile the ideas into one statement. See the following examples:
Example 1:
We want to make our home a place that is safe for everyone-A place where we are allowed to feel what we feel, to need what we need, and to ask for what we want to meet our needs,
A place where we can be honest and say the truth as we each see it,
A place where there is no criticizing, blaming, or shaming
A place where the needs of each of us are seen as equally important, and where
We all work together to meet the most needs possible.
Example 2:
This is a
We laugh, we learn, & we grow, together.
Your statement can be decorated, framed, and hung where everyone can see it as a reminder of what you have all decided you want your home to be. It serves as your mutual vision for the family you want to create. You can work together to bring your daily practices into alignment with your family statement.
