Top 10 MOST SHOCKING Cases Of Anorexia
What do you hear most often from the parents of anorexia patients regarding their experiences? What can I learn from other parents who are facing the same struggles?
In speaking with parents of anorexia patients over the years, I have watched many families overcome great struggles and come through difficulties to be even stronger than when they began their journey of caring for a loved one in recovery. I have seen family members learn from each other and offer support to each other in remarkable ways. Wise counsel can be taken from their experiences and through the knowledge they gained amidst very trying circumstances. Some of their “pearls of wisdom” I gladly share with you now:
• “I learned not to blame myself. Anorexia is not my fault.”
• “Anorexia is an illness. When I finally ‘got’ that, it helped me to stop blaming my child, my husband, and the world for her condition. It helped me to better support her recovery.”
• “Learning to listen, really listen, to my son was difficult to do because I just wanted him to stop the eating disorder. Letting him talk about his feelings turned out to be the best thing I could do for him, and it brought healing to our family.”
• “Setting limits was hard at first because I felt so guilty doing it. But my daughter was running our household with all of her food restrictions, and I needed to set limits in a loving way so we could function well as a family.”
• “I learned that taking care of my needs while my child was sick was important too. It was really helpful to have support from other people.”
• “I finally realized that I couldn’t do it all. I needed help, and when I got the courage to ask for it, it started to make a difference.”
• “Don’t take their angry words at you personally” (spoken by a sister of an anorexia patient).
• “I stopped being ashamed-of myself as a mother, or of my daughter’s illness. It sounds obvious, but it took some work on my part.”
• “Have family time together that doesn’t focus on food” (spoken by a teen patient in recovery).
• “I am a good mother, and I love my child. Anorexia did not change that-but it did help to remind myself sometimes.”
Doris Smeltzer, an educator for nearly 20 years, was thrust into the world of eating disorders through Andrea, her 19-year-old daughter, who died from an eating disorder in 1999. Since her daughter’s death, Doris cofounded, with her husband Tom, the non-profit eating disorders prevention foundation Andrea’s Voice. Doris also authors a blog entitled “Advice for Parents” at www.eatingdisordersblogs.com . In it, she lists some of the things she would have liked, as a parent, to have received from a treatment team regarding her daughter’s eating disorder. With Doris’ permission, I have included some of her “wishes” here so that readers might learn from her experience. Doris writes:
It would have been helpful to me if members of a treatment team had:
1. Told me that the eating disorder did not intend to go away quietly and that it could take my child with it.
2. Explained to me why my child could not think rationally by educating me about the effects of starvation, bingeing, and purging on the brain and body.
3. Helped me understand that my child could not begin the arduous task of giving up her eating disorder until she was capable of rational thought.
4. Explored characteristics in me that mirrored my child’s. This would have helped me examine and begin to change my own perfectionism, all or nothing thinking, and/or tendency to put the care of others before my own self-care, which would have made me better able to help my child do the same.
5. Modeled and discussed ways that we, as another and a father, could have celebrated our own body types.
6. Encouraged me to grieve the family of times past and the past experience of, and relationship with, my child. This may have allowed me to focus on the now and helped me see how as a family we could work together to create a future that included more helpful ways of being in a relationship.
7. Validated for me that pain is a fact of life but that I did not have to suffer. This would have helped me to develop strategies or to find resources that supported me in ways that might have alleviated or reduced my suffering.
In addition, and in hindsight, Doris adds to her “wish list” the following:
• I wish I had truly understood how emotionally and psychologically addictive were her behaviors.
• I wish I had known that a person can look and feel fantastic and be close to death.
• I wish I had recognized that Andrea being cold all the time was a sign of hypothermia.
• I wish I had been told that the long, feathery eyelashes I one day noticed in the last weeks of her life were a warning sign. Lanugo, the baby-fine hair that often covers the bodies of those who are starving, can manifest itself in the eyelashes. Andrea did not look starved.
• I wish I had not accepted our culture’s “normalization” of diets. I thought Andrea’s preoccupation with weight and body sizes were normal “rites of passage” that would recede with time, as mine had. Andrea was not me.
• I wish with all my heart I had been more of a parent and less of a friend in the final months of Andrea’s life. As her friend, I lost my objectivity.
My empathy for her led, at times, to a subtle and inadvertent support of her disease.
How I wish I could change that reality!
I would like to thank Doris and Tom for their generosity in sharing this information and for the hope they provide to families who are caring for a loved one in recovery. You can
learn more about Doris’s journey of self-discovery in the book Andrea’s Voice: Silenced by Bulimia.
I feel ashamed to tell any of my friends about my child’s eating disorder. I’m not sure I would know what to say even if I tried. What should I do?
Sharing with others that your child has an eating disorder can feel like revealing an intimate secret. Some families express shame in telling others because of the unfortunate stigma associated with the illness. Parents may feel afraid they will be blamed for their child’s illness. Loved ones may feel offended by comments made in response to their disclosure. However, telling others can actually be an antidote to stigma and blame, especially when one is able to correct misconceptions about anorexia. While there are no guarantees that your friends will completely understand what you are going through, many of them will likely want to help when given the opportunity.
You may want to speak with your child before sharing with others so that there can be a consensus as to how much information is shared. Your child may need reassurance that you will only share with those you trust. Explain what information will be shared, with whom, along with your purpose for sharing. Let your child know that you feel it will be helpful to the family to have outside support. Be prepared for questions from others, but don’t fear them. If questions get too personal, or if you receive any unwanted advice, do not hesitate to set appropriate boundaries. You always have the option of simply saying, “Thank you for your concern. My child is getting the help she needs. I appreciate your support.”
Lately it feels like our lives revolve around our son’s anorexia. Our household rules have nearly dissolved to the point of confusion and chaos. We’re unsure how much we should adhere to his demands with regard to mealtimes and the type of food we serve. Can you give us some help that might take us in the right direction?
Your request is quite common. Many families are unsure how to navigate the many rules, food restrictions, and mealtime rituals that beset the home of an anorexia patient. Frequently, parents and siblings try to arrange the kitchen, grocery shopping lists, and mealtime habits around the behaviors of a person with an eating disorder in an attempt to “keep the peace” and avoid arguments. Making these accommodations may also be a way to try to reduce patient distress or relieve feelings of blame or guilt on the part of healthy family members.
However, although these adjustments may seem helpful in the short term, they may actually increase household tensions, sibling resentment, and caregiver burden over time. According to Surviving an Eating Disorder: Strategies for Family and Friends, it is important that as parents, you do set household rules and expectations in order to convey that your child’s eating disorder will not take over your family’s life. For example, although it may be tempting, do not purchase or avoid purchasing certain foods solely to accommodate a patient’s demands. Your child is not the only one to eat in your home, and each person’s nutritional needs must be met. You may hear many demands from your child with regard to what food is purchased for the home, how food is prepared, how food is stored, how dishes and utensils are cleaned, who does the cooking, whether or not conversation should take place at the dinner table, how much money is spent on food, and so on. If a family begins to pattern their behaviors around eating disordered “rules” such as these, it can lead to habits that become difficult to change. Contrary to how it may seem, allowing such demands will not reduce your child’s food anxiety but will likely lead to increased food anxiety and, in turn, additional rules and restrictions.
You may find it helpful to work with your child’s treatment team in deciding what limits will work best in your unique situation, limits that will respect the needs of every family member and convey love, care, and concern for your child’s recovery-not enable eating disordered behaviors. Finding a balance can indeed be a challenge, but there are some general things to keep in mind when setting household rules:
• Discuss your reasoning openly with your child. He or she may not understand or even be willing to accept your decisions, but being open with your child will convey a sense of love and respect.
• Whenever possible, involve all family members working together. Maintaining boundaries is a team effort, and families need support from one another to do so.
• Be consistent. It may be tempting to allow breaking of the rules, especially when you are tired or feeling frustrated.
However, this can perpetuate unhealthy patterns and reward misbehavior.
• Be flexible and open to negotiations around rules. For example, if your child with anorexia does not want to do certain household tasks that involve food, consider allowing a replacement chore for them that causes less discomfort.
• Remain calm. Do not let the family table become a battleground. Set loving limits and consequences for acting out, in the same way you would with your other children. This will also help to reduce sibling confusion and resentment.
• Healthy siblings should not “take over” chores for an ill child, as this can lead to resentment and additional conflict. In addition, studies show that healthy siblings can experience feelings of loss, anxiety, and depression if too little attention is given to them when a sibling is ill, so take pleasure in spending time with all of your children and reassuring them of your love and attention.
• Know your limitations. You cannot “argue” your child out of an eating disorder. Remember that if your child is in a state of semi-starvation, he or she may not be able to respond to reason.
• Allow for acceptable independence. Do not force your child to eat or bribe them into eating.
• Maintain clear boundaries. If your child offends another family member or engages in behavior that disregards another person’s rights or feelings, allow for consequences and correction as you would for your other children.
• If you find that you are experiencing frequent feelings of guilt, or in contrast, feelings of resentment toward your child, talk with a therapist or other supportive professional.
Telling others can actually be an antidote to stigma and blame.
