VIDEO
Is my rage related to anxiety?
Aggression is one of the most common responses to anxiety. Bar fights, stalking behaviors, sexual violence, road rage, or abuse of prisoners all come to mind.
Aggression is the fight part of the fight-or-flight response. In a deeper way, aggression helps protect us from a feared threat. Aggression helps us to act powerfully against the fear experienced inside; the aggressor goes from feeling passive and helpless to active and strong, even though in reality he may become out of control. He also becomes connected to his victim, an important factor if the underlying threat is abandonment.
In attempting to understand aggression, it becomes useful to examine what the threat might be in any given situation. Bar fights may result from the perception that a man’s wife or girlfriend is being stolen. Sexual violence can be caused by feeling too feminine and wanting to undo the discomfort by making someone else feel humiliation; abusing prisoners of war can stem from one’s own anxiety of annihilation in wartime.
What if I am anxious that my spouse is cheating on me?
At times, patients report concern over their spouse’s fidelity. Actually verifying that the spouse is or is not cheating can prove helpful, as spouses can feel anxious for years only to learn that for several years, in fact, their spouse has cheated. Wanting to deny news of this magnitude, even if it happens under one’s nose, occurs frequently. Long absences from a spouse, not allowing or not welcoming a spouse to accompany one on business trips, or a sudden change in sexual wishes in the context of a long-standing pattern of sexual relations with a spouse can all indicate possible infidelity.
More commonly, one’s spouse is not cheating and the fear that he or she is cheating represents a deeper fear of being left and a lack of trust. Becoming excited about being together in a relationship can precipitate fearing the worst. A woman whose father left her at a young age-either by divorcing his wife for a woman with whom he was having an affair or dying-may experience this fear of loss in her present romantic relationship. Fearing infidelity recreates the feeling of loss and devaluation; it can carry a sense of internal blame.
Thus, the woman might feel responsible for her husband’s imagined infidelity, blaming herself for some perceived inadequacy such as no longer feeling sexy enough nor publicly charming enough. This self blame might spare her partner her own rage, which may reflect a stockpile of the same feelings of rage and worthlessness that the she felt as a girl when her father left or died. Fearing this infidelity and the low self-worth that accompanies the fantasy reunites the woman with a familiar feeling of being left. Inasmuch as this feeling is familiar, it decreases her anxiety about new kinds of trust or happiness which could occur in her intimate relationship.
Does pregnancy cause anxiety?
Pregnant women and their partners or couples wishing to conceive can experience several phases of anxiety. The first is that of contemplating pregnancy. Potential parents wonder if they are ready for the responsibilities ahead, also wondering if it might be easier to avoid that responsibility. Others might feel calmed by the prospect, as they might feel the role of a parent will be easier than that of a spouse. Perhaps this notion stems from an underlying fear of separation, as the parent contemplating pregnancy knows that a child cannot abandon him or her in the same way that a spouse can.
A second phase of this anxiety comes with the actual pregnancy. It becomes important for the therapist and the anxious parents to understand whether the child is wanted and planned. If so, despite the happiness and joy the potential child may bring, a woman may struggle with her own fears of actually becoming a mother, as can a man about becoming a father. If the baby was not wanted, the couple may feel a different kind of anxiety-whether to continue the pregnancy.
These decisions are never easy. Even if a woman believes in her heart that it is the right thing to terminate the pregnancy, feelings about an abortion can surface in all kinds of ways over the years, perhaps in wondering what would have happened had she carried the child to term?
These feelings become particularly heightened if delaying the onset of parenthood means dealing with infertility issues later in the union. It seems that the human psychology does not respond as concretely to abortion as can the legislature, with the man and/or woman unconsciously feeling that they have murdered a child. If the potential mother and father are not together in a steady relationship, many more anxieties rise to the surface, involving the fate of the child, decisions about the relationship’s course, questions of child support and custody, cultural and family expectations of the woman, and the like. Regardless of outcome, these decisions do not come without profound emotional anxieties.
Finally, as the continued pregnancy develops, multiple changes occur in the woman’s body, which may lead to overt anxiety. Nausea of morning sickness is uncomfortable, and women are also anxious to know how long it will last. The anxiety of having one’s body change so drastically in ways involving a loss of control (weight, urine output, bowel functions) can trigger questions of security. All the while, expectant parents always wonder if the baby will be healthy and how they will cope with their new parental responsibilities.
