Life after breast cancer – Sex and Relationships
Does having breast cancer mean I have to stop having a sex life?
No, it doesn’t. While many people find that they are quite tired during and immediately after a course of treatment, once the side effects have passed their desire for a sexual relationship and their interest in sex returns. If you feel you want to have sex then why not?
You may need to be gentle around areas that have recently been treated, for example, after breast surgery or radiotherapy to that area because you may be sore. The emotional impact of breast cancer can play a large part in when and whether or not you want to have sex, for example, women may feel low self-esteem after breast surgery or with hair loss.
Can breast cancer treatment affect my ability to have sex?
If the chemotherapy has caused your menopause to start or if you are on hormone therapies, you may experience a dry vagina as a side effect. This in itself needn’t stop you having sex but it can make you a bit sore. Speak to your doctor or breast care nurse about possible ways of relieving this symptom, for example, using a lubricant.
At present I don’t feel I will ever want to have sex again. Do other people feel this way?
Yes, they do. It is quite usual for people to lose their interest in sex temporarily, during and after treatment. Usually, though, their libido returns gradually. Occasionally, the person who has had treatment wants some intimacy but their partner finds it hard to adjust and doesn’t want to cuddle or touch, or in some cases, even look at the treated area. In this situation it may be helpful to take a little time to talk, maybe focus on other parts of the body and reassure your partner that they are not hurting you. Counseling, whether individually or as a couple, may be really helpful as it can enable both parties to explore their feelings, fears and desires. This can then help them to talk to each other and work towards accepting each other’s views. It might be possible to seek the help of a sex therapist to support a couple in re-discovering an intimacy that is more satisfying to both of them.
How can I ever get used to what has happened to my body?
Breast cancer always causes some physical changes to your body and you will need time to adjust to these, both physically and emotionally. Some people find that talking to their partner about how they are feeling can help. Others might prefer to see a specialist counselor, go along to a breast cancer support group, talk to someone else who has had breast cancer and similar treatment or talk to a breast care nurse.
If you are able to share your feelings you may find it can help you to start to come to terms with what has happened, which in turn can be a big part of the recovery process.
The changes brought about by the breast cancer and/or treatment can lead to people not wanting to undress in front of anyone else, let alone have sex with another person. This is very common and for many people, adapting to the changes that have happened can take time. It is another of the reasons why many people find that talking things through can help.
I know I need to speak to someone about the way treatment has affected my body. I just can’t talk to my husband about this.
Who should I talk to?
Whoever you feel most comfortable with. You may want to talk to a friend or to a professional counselor. If you have contact with a local cancer support group you might feel that is the place to go to talk through your feelings. You may choose to phone or email a breast cancer helpline or support service where you can remain anonymous.
All these self-help groups seem to be for women. Everything is pink! As a man with breast cancer, I feel a bit out of it.
Who can I turn to?
Men who have breast cancer often feel marginalized because to many people breast cancer is seen as a ‘woman’s disease’. When men are diagnosed with breast cancer, larger cancer treatment centers will often have support systems in place to help the men to cope with both the breast cancer and this stigma. Some of the cancer support services have volunteers who are men who have had breast cancer who have been trained to offer peer support to other men.
Don’t be stoical! Ask for someone to talk to even if you don’t really know what you want to talk about. For many people, men and women alike, talking to someone else who has been through a similar experience is very helpful and reduces feelings of isolation and the potential for longer-term psychological problems.
There are Internet chat forums which are often international and can be helpful for people who feel isolated through their cancer. (Not in Facebook). It is important to remember, however, that such forums are not often supervised and that any ‘advice’ given should be considered and discussed with your own medical team to see how much of it applies to you.
Some organizations, such as Breast Cancer Care, produce information specifically for men about breast cancer such as Breast Cancer Care.
It’s all too personal and I don’t want to talk to anyone. Does this mean I’m not helping myself?
No. Many people feel uncomfortable talking to anyone about anything personal whether they have had cancer or not, let alone sex or relationships or about emotional matters. If you find that there are thoughts that keep going round and round in your head, then you might find it helpful to write them all down – your fears and your worries and your hopes. By transferring what is in your head onto paper, even if you tear it up and throw it away immediately afterwards, you may find it helps you to get matters clear and to free your mind to think about other things.
The current view from many research projects is that stress and future illness are greatly reduced by talking, expressing emotions, and seeking help if necessary to enable you to move on with your life.
Will I ever be able to get used to having to use breast prosthesis?
At first, coping with the emotional effect of losing all or most of your breast through cancer can feel like a huge hurdle to get over. Using prosthesis in your bra to provide you with the external appearance of having two intact breasts can be useful in helping you to face the outside world.
The permanent breast prostheses come in different shapes, sizes and colors. It is also possible for women who have had a partial mastectomy to get a prosthetic product.
Wearing a properly fitted prosthesis can also give you the confidence to wear evening dresses, tops with thin straps and swimwear. It is possible to buy special swimwear, for example, into which you can insert your prosthesis, knowing it will not slip out of place. The first time you try to wear something like this, you may be quite self-conscious, but it usually gets easier after the first time when you realize that people can’t tell the difference between the prosthesis and the other breast.
It may take you a long time to feel that you can look at your chest and see the effects of the operation you have had. This is quite common, and is one of the reasons why talking about your feelings and fears to someone else who has been through a similar operation can be helpful.
How can I stop people from ‘talking to my chest’ now?
When people know you have had breast cancer surgery or any other breast cancer treatment they often, somewhat unconsciously, focus their attention on your chest when they talk to you. It is as if they are trying to decide which one is the prosthesis and which one is not, or to see if the prosthesis is a ‘good one’. Annoying as it is, usually people stop doing it after a short time, but don’t be afraid to point out to them what they are doing. That is often enough to stop them and after all, you don’t have to put up with being stared at.
I have had reconstruction surgery but still feel like a different person. How will I ever feel able to start dating again?
Starting a new relationship after you have experienced physical changes to your body through breast cancer is not easy. Deciding when to tell and how much to say can put a great deal of pressure on you. Starting a new sexual relationship can feel almost impossible.
Yet people do overcome their anxieties and fear of possible rejection and can have good, supportive relationships. As you come to terms with what has happened to you, both physically and emotionally, you are likely to find you gain in confidence which can help you to think about, and perhaps try, a new relationship.
