(KEY 3) Create Safety, Trust, & Belonging
Accept Your Child’s Unique Personality and Learning Style
The more we witness our emotional chain reactions and understand how they work, the easier it is to refrain. It becomes a way of life to stay awake, slow down, and notice.
-Pema Chodron
In addition to having a unique timetable for developing, children have their own unique personalities and ways of learning. Do you see your child as unique and accept her just the way she is?
It’s natural to have an easier time raising one child than another. Many factors weigh in here. If a child is very different from you, it might be challenging to accept your differences. For example, if you enjoy reading, gardening, and doing other quiet activities and your child loves to have friends over, listen to music, make jokes, and be the center of attention, you may need to work at appreciating his style of expressing himself. If you have a child just like you, which could be challenging in a different way-wherever you turn, you hear and see yourself.
In any case, looking with respect to your child’s needs will help you steer clear of dangerous labels such as demanding, challenging, needy, or timid. Labels get in the way of seeing your child and accepting him for the unique person he is.
As well as having a unique personality, your child has a particular set of requirements for optimum learning. Learning preferences show up early in life, and by observing closely you can discover the ways she learns best and make sure that her learning experiences are as successful as possible.
Some kids learn best by listening to information, others from pictures and charts. For many kids, talking about or teaching what they’re learning makes learning come alive, and still others do best when making models, drawing, or getting their whole body involved and acting things out. All of these learning styles can be understood and worked with.
Observe your child carefully, experiment with different ways of interacting with her, and find a comfort zone for working together. And when your child approaches school age, do be aware that there are many ways to learn in addition to those typically used in schools (which are often limited to reading textbooks, writing reports, and memorizing words on a spelling list). Get help, if you need it, to create a learning environment that supports your child in being a successful, lifelong learner.*
* For more information on learning styles, see Hodson and Willis, Discover Your Child’s Learning Style
To Sustain Emotional Safety, Seek Connection – First, Last, and Always
The feeling of satisfaction and contentment that comes from being connected to an accepting, caring adult is essential for children to thrive. Parents tell us it is challenging to make heartfelt connections with their kids when there are so many interactions in a day and days move by so swiftly. When they don’t take time to connect, they report that interactions often end in compromise, discord, and fuel for future arguments. Feelings of sadness, anger, discouragement, and hopelessness run high. These same parents tell us that they feel great relief when they do take time at the moment (at least some moments) to listen to and attempt to understand their kids, the situation, and themselves. The extra time they give to one stressful interaction results in more ease and less time spent down the road in similar challenging interactions. Most often, the quickest route to connection with your child is to listen respectfully to what he has to say, tuning into the feelings and needs he is trying to share in whatever way he happens to be expressing them in that moment. He is always trying to communicate only two things-how he feels and what he needs. Expressing honestly how you feel and what you need is also part of making a genuine connection. However, for optimum connection, listening to your child first is most helpful.
Look for listening opportunities. Some parents find long car drives make for easy talking and listening. Some make a point of scheduling one-on-one time with each child. When kids can count on opportunities to express themselves and to be heard, they are less likely to nag and whine and can relax, knowing you will make time to hear them.
Let Go of Resentment
When you go through rough patches and feelings get hurt, connection sometimes gets broken. It’s crucial to reestablish the loving tie between you and your child as soon as possible. When you reestablish connection, you inspire confidence in your child that he is okay, he can make mistakes and people will still love him, and he doesn’t have to be perfect o be loved. Each time you reconnect with your child during or after an argument you not only reestablish the trust and safety link, you strengthen it. When kids realize you will always seek to reconnect, interactions will get easier, you’ll spend much less time at odds with each other, and strategies for working out problems will become more evident, sooner. Young children tend to reconnect a lot faster than adults do. Take a tip from them: one minute your kids might feel sad and dejected, the next they are energized and excited. They may have outbursts of emotion; however, they get over them quickly and don’t hold grudges. They let go of the past with startling speed and bounce back with freshness and openness for whatever is next. This is a wonderful gift of consideration and trust that they are continually giving to you. Children are anxious to receive the same consideration from you. However, the habit of holding on to hurt is deeply ingrained in adults. This common habit prevents parents from seeing the more positive side of their children’s behavior and eventually prevents children from wanting to express it. Since holding a grudge is something that is learned somewhere between childhood and adulthood, the good news is, it can be unlearned.
After you’ve had a disagreement with a child, see how long it takes you to let go of your judgments and bad feelings. After the next distressing situation, see if you can let go a little faster. Keep it light, keep it fun, and watch your kids for pointers. The more you keep focused on everyone’s feelings and needs, the easier letting go becomes.
