Parenting in Public: The Mom’s View
Listen for the Yes Behind Every No
Listening is an attitude of the heart, a genuine desire to be with another which both attracts and heals.
-J. Isham
What you do when your children resist or refuse to do what you tell them affects their sense of safety and trust. When your child digs in her heels and says No! do you see her action as a call to arms? Do you get angry and defensive and want to persuade her to change her mind by preaching to her or punishing her? No might be the most charged word in the parenting dictionary. Lots and lots of parent hours and energy are spent battling children who say No. No is an unacceptable response because parents are uncomfortable with each of the choices they think they have when they hear it. They think they have to either accept the No and change their position or refuse to accept the No and find a way for the child to change her position.
Parents can save themselves hours of hassle by understanding that there is a third way to hear No: this is to hear a Yes behind every No.Whenever your child says No to you, he is saying Yes to something else.
By taking time to find out what is more exciting, interesting, fun, or challenging than what you have in mind, you defuse a potentially volatile situation, make a heartfelt connection, and clearly demonstrate your interest and care.
In this example, the parent is able to hear the Yes behind her child’s No. Mom walks into her son’s room, where he is reading a book:
Mom: Since Dad’s away, I’d like to spend some extra time with you this weekend. Would you like to go to a movie with me tonight?
Son: No, I’m busy.
Mom: (Looking for the Yes behind the No) Looks as if you are really absorbed in that book.
Son: Yeah. It is really getting good.
Mom: (Realizing her son needs choice, relaxation, and alone time) Sounds like tonight you’d rather keep reading.
Son: Yeah! Maybe I can finish it.
Mom: (Not giving up on her need) I’m still interested in a movie or doing something else together on another night. How does that sound to you?
Son: Fine. How about Sunday night? I know I’ll be finished by then.
When we know ourselves to be connected to all others, acting compassionately is simply the natural thing to do.
-Rachel Naomi Remen
Imagine what would have happened if Mom had reacted when her son said, No, I’m busy, taking it as a rejection. She might have said, Well, you have time for other things, or What’s more important, a book or your mother? or I didn’t think it was much to ask of you. She would likely have lost connection with her son and also lost her chance for a movie date with him.
Next time your child says No!-notice your reactions. Then see if you can hear what need she is saying Yes to. Hear the Yes behind the No and you will both sustain the connection between you and be open to seeing the best way to meet your own needs.
To Maintain Safety, Trust, and Belonging, Nurture Family Connections
If improved family communication is what you want, you need a place where family members regularly practice their skills. At the same time that improving daily interactions between you and your children nurtures your one-on-one relationships, holding family meetings serves needs to harmonize your family unit.
Hold Family Meetings
Family meetings are hours set aside to plan family events, share concerns, identify feelings and needs, find ways to fulfill needs, celebrate personal victories, set household and individual goals, take stock, and strategize solutions to problems.
Be sure to make an agreement for your meetings that ensures safety and trust for everyone. Each member of the group can contribute what she or he needs to feel safe in these meetings. Keep the list at hand and read it at the beginning of each meeting. The following are some strategies for meeting safety needs that parents and kids have shared with us: the right to participate by just listening; no suggestions or advice given without first asking if the other person wants to hear it; assurance that there will be no name-alling, threats, criticism, blame, or loud voices.
In addition to physical safety, children need emotional safety to trust that the world is a welcoming place. Parents’ actions and reactions greatly affect whether a child feels emotionally safe or not. When parents learn to see from a child’s point of view, to strengthen the bond of parent-child connection whenever possible, and to create a forum for nourishing the family unit, children will feel relaxed and free to explore and enjoy their world.
Daily Practice
Notice your actions and reactions. Ask yourself, Does this contribute to emotional safety and trust? Notice how much you talk and how much you listen. Make time to listen.
In interactions with your child, ask yourself, am I going for connection? Or something else? Practice hearing the Yes behind the No. First, notice when your child says No. Notice your automatic reactions. Look for the need your child is saying Yes to in that moment.
Heart Rhythm Resonance
A growing body of neurocardiological research finds that infants sense and resonate with the coherency or incoherency of the rhythms of an adult’s heart. Feelings of irritation, frustration, and anger lead to a disordered and incoherent pattern of heart rhythms in the body. Feelings of appreciation, enjoyment, compassion, and love lead to more ordered and coherent heart rhythm patterns. And, the heart rhythms of one person entrain the heart rhythms of another. Therefore, parents’ emotional responses, even though nonverbal, can determine their child’s own emotional responses and behaviors.4 A caregiver’s emotional state and the quality of nurturing and care an infant receives have a significant effect on brain development and other factors that determine whether a child will thrive or not.
1. Siegel and Hartzell, Parenting from the Inside Out.
2. Childre and Rozman, The HeartMath Solution.
3. Pearce, The Biology of Transcendence.
4. Siegel and Hartzell, Parenting from the Inside Out.
