Read the Clues
Some people will give you an unequivocal answer straight off. But some people won’t.
Maybe they don’t want to seem rude, or perhaps they really want to help but can’t, or maybe they’re still undecided. Then again, you may well not actually have asked in so many words, so they don’t feel they have to give an answer.
That doesn’t mean that they don’t drop clues though. Hints even. And you need to listen for them. Especially if you’re trying to gets what you want without actually having to ask. And there are plenty of clues to listen out for. Let me give you a few examples so that you can see what I’m driving at:
“Hmmm. I wonder whether Ali might help you…” tells you that this person wants to help, and might be prepared to approach Ali on your behalf.
“I don’t know if I can manage a Thursday…” tell you that if you can change the night, they may be able to help.
“It’s going to be tricky persuading the finance director…” means that this person is probably on your side but you need to furnish them with convincing figures.
I’ve been meaning to do something about shedding a bit of weight myself…” indicates that this person might join you on your diet-which may give you a better chance of success.
After you have the clues you can get on with finding ways to remove the obstacles that might stop you getting what you’re after.
Learn What Gets Them Going
I had a boss once who was convinced that anyone would do whatever you wanted if you offered them enough money. Anytime anyone needed motivating he’d tempt them with the possibility of a pay raise, or the promise of an additional bonus, or the suggestion of a promotion. Funny thing was, there were only a couple of people on his team who ever worked harder for all his attempts to motivate them. He couldn’t understand it. What’s more, there was plenty of unmotivated staff moaning that they never got any thanks for all their hard work.
Not everyone is motivated by money. Sure, if it makes no waves we’d all rather have more of it please, even if not for ourselves. But that doesn’t mean it’s what really drives us, what excites us, what makes us feel good, what makes all the effort worthwhile. People are motivated by all kinds of different things. Think about your kids if you have them, or your best friends. Most of them want status more than money, or we want recognition, or power, or responsibility, or job satisfaction, or challenge, or just a simple thank you.
After you’ve identified what drives people that’s when you can really start to get what you want, by making sure you trade it for what they really want.
Use the Right Words
It’s important, if you want someone to say yes, that you talk about what you want-whether you’re actually asking-in terms that will make it sound appealing. And they may not be attracted by the same things as you. In the same way that you need to know what drives people, you also need to know which words give them a positive feeling-and which don’t.
If you were trying to describe a park ghost train ride to a typical teenage boy, you might tell them, “Come on-you’ll love it! It’s really fast and scary!”
That would do the trick with a lot of teenagers I know. But it certainly wouldn’t work on some of their grandparents. You’d need to tell them, “It’s completely safe, and it’s so safe it’s funny.” Same ride, different words.
When you get to know people well-your boss or your family or your kids or your friends-you discover that they all have words that turn them on or off. Some people are a sucker for anything “exciting,” or “funny,” or “quirky.” I used to have a manager who would agree to anything so long as she was convinced it was “reliable” or “proven.” She liked words that sounded safe. It’s always worth listening to the kind of language they use themselves-that can give you clues as to what kind of words will work best on them. If you want someone to support you, work out which words they like to hear, and then use those words to convince them to do it.
Get the Timing Right
Getting what you want can be a long-term plan. I know someone who has just spent five years restoring a classic boat, while living on it in the cold and wet, and now finally (and deservedly) has a fabulous and comfortable home that is, at last, sufficiently watertight to float.
He knew from the start that what he wanted would take five years, and it did. You may have some minor wants that can be satisfied quickly and easily, but most of the big plans and dreams take longer.
So you know well in advance that you’re going to need things from other people. When you think through how you’re going to go about achieving this, think about when you’re going to approach them. Your partner may always go through a period of stress at a particular time of year when several contracts come up for renewal-so that’s not going to be the best time to ask for extra support.
Similarly, don’t approach your boss for a pay raise the month after a salary review, or when the last quarter’s figures have just come in and are particularly depressing-even if you’re the only one keeping them afloat. Much better to ask in the days or weeks after you clinch a lucrative deal.
You make it far easier for people to support you if you approach them when the time suits them, and not just you. So consider things from their perspective, and fit your schedule around them as far as you can.
