I actually believe it is possible to be so afraid people will disapprove of us-what we say, what we do, what we think, how we look, what we value, or the choices we make-that we become addicted to approval. “Approval addiction” happens when people need the approval of others so much that they are miserable anytime they feel they don’t have it. They even make certain decisions to gain approval rather than to follow their hearts or to obey what they believe to be God’s willed for their lives. I am keeping this section rather brief, but because it is a huge problem, I have an entire book on the subject titled Approval Addiction. I highly recommend it if you feel you need help in this area.
I developed an out-of-balance need for approval because I did not have a healthy relationship with my father. I was not addicted to the approval of everyone around me, and in some cases I did not care what people thought at all. But when it came to authority figures in my life, especially male authority figures, I desperately craved approval. I know now that I was trying to get from men in positions of authority what I should have had from my father but never received.
Are you afraid of anyone in particular? Are you afraid of certain personality types? Locating a problem is the first step to defeating it so I strongly encourage you to isolate repetitive fears and make a decision to overcome them. Many people confess that they fear authority figures in their life and that is unfortunate because we all have to deal with others who have authority over us. I once had an employee who was terribly afraid of me because of some unresolved issues from her childhood. Her fear not only made her miserable, but it made me very uncomfortable too. She was so fearful of not pleasing me that she often made mistakes that she would not have made had she been more confident. She could not relax and I felt that I had to be extremely careful about everything I said and did so she could hopefully remain confident, but it seemed that nothing worked for very long. It was difficult to tell her that she did anything wrong and needed to correct it. It was difficult to be direct and straightforward in communication, and I found myself trying so hard to keep her confident that it became an unbearable burden for me. Her fear was actually stealing my ability to be myself and eventually our working relationship just did not work and she had to move on to something else.
The sad thing is that she was a beautiful, kind, and caring individual who wanted to do her best and craved acceptance, but her fears continually stole the very thing that she desired.
It makes me sad when people are afraid of those who have authority over them, but unfortunately this is quite often the case. A great many people have been mistreated by an authority figure while growing up and they tend to transfer their fears onto other people who had absolutely nothing to do with their initial problem. I can always discern when someone is comfortable with me or uncomfortable and nervous. I lean toward those who are confident because I know they will not only be able to do the job, but I will also be able to enjoy my relationship with them.
It is important to realize that our fears not only affect us, but they can also affect the people around us.
Nothing is more uncomfortable to me than having to tiptoe around a person because they have fears that make them touchy, fearful, and uptight. I feel sorry for them and I pray for them but, ultimately, fear cannot be conquered unless we recognize it and confront it by not letting it control us.
You may be like I was-afraid other people will not approve of you or afraid of an authority figure in your life. Whether you struggle with this fear or other fears, the path to freedom is the same: study God’s Word and applies it to your life; pray; and renew your mind.
Think about It
Do you have an out-of-balance need for approval? Is there anyone you are allowing to control you due to fear?
