Positive Thinking Is A Stupid Waste Of Time
Get the Timing Right
Getting what you want can be a long-term plan. I know someone who has just spent five years restoring a classic boat, while living on it in the cold and wet, and now finally (and deservedly) has a fabulous and comfortable home that is, at last, sufficiently watertight to float. He knew from the start that what he wanted would take five years, and it did. You may have some minor wants that can be satisfied quickly and easily, but most of the big plans and dreams take longer. So you know well in advance that you’re going to need things from other people. When you think through how you’re going to go about achieving this, think about when you’re going to approach them. Your partner may always go through a period of stress at a particular time of year when several contracts come up for renewal-so that’s not going to be the best time to ask for extra support.
Similarly, don’t approach your boss for a pay raise the month after a salary review, or when the last quarter’s figures have just come in and are particularly depressing-even if you’re the only one keeping them afloat. Much better to ask in the days or weeks after you clinch a lucrative deal.
You make it far easier for people to support you if you approach them when the time suits them, and not just you. So consider things from their perspective, and fit your schedule around them as far as you can.
Tell Them What You Want Without Asking
OK, I said on the cover of this book that you could get what you wanted without having to ask. And you can-perhaps not always but most of the time. However, if you need someone else to give it to you, you may need to let them know that you want it. Without asking. The simplest way to do this, blindingly obvious as it is, is just to say that you want it. No asking. So you can let your boss know at your appraisal that you see yourself moving up the career ladder swiftly, or that you see yourself working ultimately on the PR side of marketing. Next time an opportunity arises for a promotion or new responsibilities; they’ll know you’re interested already. So if they think you have a chance, they’ll come to you.
You can similarly let your friends and out-of-work colleagues know what your aims are. When someone else gets invited to join the board of trustees of the local charity you support, you can say, “Good for them. I’d love to do that.” Someone listening who might not have considered you may well make a mental note for next time.
Let your father know about your friend who always takes her sister on vacation to help with the kids. Tell him, “I think that’s such a good idea. It must be a huge help to have an extra adult there.” Maybe he’ll offer before you need to ask. If someone’s in a position to help you, and they’d like to support you, why wouldn’t they offer? I’ll tell you why: Because they have no idea that you want it. Apparently one survey of single people found that 98 percent of respondents would like their friends to help find them a new partner, but four out of five had never actually let their friends know this.
Don’t Keep Dropping Hints
Letting people know what you want (without asking) is a really sensible strategy. But while saying outright “I’d like that” or “What a great idea; I could do with one of those” is a sensible approach, it’s not a good idea to keep dropping notsosubtle hints.
I had an aunt who used to do this. “Oh, if only I could spend Christmas with family. It must be so lovely.” “You’re so lucky to have such nice friends. No one ever asks me to dinner.” The fact is that this used to irritate us all so much that we deliberately ignored the hints. They had a whiny, emotional blackmail quality about them that we just refused to be sucked in by. If she’d just asked straight, “Can I come for Christmas?” we’d probably have said yes. Or indeed if she’d let us know she’d like to come and then shut up about it. No one wants to be pestered, especially in an indirect manner. So if you’re going for the “don’t ask, just let them know what you want” approach, you need to say it once and then let it alone. Maybe-if you’re not sure they got the message-you can mention it again a few months later, or you can mention it in front of somebody else. That’s it. It’s a useful approach if you don’t want to ask (and sometimes even if you don’t mind asking) but it’s not one you can overuse and get away with it. Listen, the last thing you want to do is irritate your potential benefactor. So make sure you’re being straight about letting them know what you want, and then letting it drop. Avoid, at all costs, the manipulative hint-dropping thing because you’ll just alienate people that way.
Make It Hypothetical
A variation on letting them know what you want is to express what you want hypothetically. This is no more (or less) likely to achieve the aim. The point is that it’s a direct, straightforward, and honest way of asking, which you might find easier than actually asking. It comes across as being far less pushy-because it doesn’t require the other person to give you a yes or no answer-so if you are remotely under-assertive, it may appeal to you. Here’s how it goes:
“If ever you were thinking of selling that piece of land, I might be interested.”
“If a job came up in the PR department, I’d really love the opportunity to apply for it.”
“If you need another trustee on the board in future, I’d love to be more involved.”
If you’re feeling brave you can turn it around and request a hypothetical answer:
“If I could find an evening class to learn another language, do you think you might babysit one night a week?”
“If we find the perfect house and it’s just a bit over our budget, is there any chance you and mom might help us meet the difference?”
“If Sarah does transfer to the
This version does require some kind of response, but you’re sounding the other person out rather than asking directly. And it can give you a lot of useful information to help toward getting what you want.
