Ancient Wisdom, Modern Thought (Video)
Pick Your Moment
Last night I was busy trying to cook for the family. The gas had run out so the grill wasn’t working, and I had to use the dinky, little emergency slow cooker that never cooperates fully. I’d had to work late so I was quite tight for time. In any spare moment I could grab I was putting together my youngest son’s lunchbox for the morning and changing the laundry load. I was also trying to get a pill down a recalcitrant cat, which was the moment my eldest son decided to ask me if he could bake some cookies.
Guess what I told him? (But please leave out the language I used under my breath.)
If you want someone to say yes to you, the time to ask them is when they’re feeling chilled, happy, relaxed, full of the joys of the world, at one with the universe. If you can’t catch them in that mood, at least wait until they’re cheerful and not in a hurry.
Finding the right moment can seem like a minor detail, but getting it wrong is actually one of the biggest reasons people say no.
Make a Date
Sometimes you know that you’ll get what you want if you catch someone in the right mood. And this may be only a small (though important) step toward your final goal. Catching the right moment works for certain people, but others are always busy, and you tend to feel you haven’t got their full attention. Or this is a vital stage in your plan, even the crucial point, and it’s really important you discuss what you want in detail. Maybe you need to convince your partner that now is the time to start a family, or to persuade your boss to interview you for the new position.
In that case it’s really essential you have their full attention for several minutes at least. It’s just not going to work if they have to dash off before you’re done asking. So the answer is obvious: Make an appointment. Don’t just aim to catch your boss on a quiet day-ask for an appointment. If she wants to know why, say you want to talk about your work, or your performance.
In the case of your partner, if home life gets busy you can arrange to go out for a walk or a meal to get them alone for a decent length of time. You can invite a neighbor or friend over for coffee or out for a drink. Whether it’s a formal meeting or an informal get-together, what you need to organize is time away from other distractions so you can concentrate on what you’re going to ask.
Know When to Put It Off
This is something you really want, something important to you. Even so, it just occasionally happens that you realize before you get to your meeting that you’re not actually properly prepared for it. Maybe you were going to prepare and then some crisis got in the way. Or perhaps you discovered some vital fact at the last minute.
Whatever the reason, you’re now supposed to be meeting your boss, your child’s head teacher, your mother, your bank manager, your neighbor- whoever-in a few hours, and you realize you’re not ready. They may ask questions or raise arguments that you have no good answer to. What do you do? You postpone; that’s what. Rearrange the meeting or ask them if you can have that chat next week instead. I know, I know, you don’t want to mess people around, and you don’t want to wait. But what else can you do? You only get one chance at a first approach-and it’s always so much harder to have to go back and re-propose whatever it is, because you weren’t prepared the first time. Another few days will be worth the wait, knowing that you can get all your homework done properly before the next time, and that you’ll then wow her with a convincing and appealing approach that she can’t say no to. And that’s worth waiting for.
Keep to the Script
Right, you’ve already made sure that you know exactly what you’re asking for. However, you also need to know why the other person should give it to you. So the thing to do now is to memorize three key reasons why they should say yes.
That’s not the same thing as three reasons why you want the thing. Your potential babysitter may not in the least care whether you learn Italian. Or what job you’re hoping to get as a result. They’re far more likely to be persuaded by reasons such as-you’ll owe them a big favor, you’ll mow her lawn every Saturday and your mother is prepared to do it occasionally so she won’t be letting you down if she has to skip a week once in a while.
Your partner may love you just as you are, but he may see the sense in supporting your diet if you point out that it will make you feel more confident, you’ll be far easier to be around if you don’t have to watch him hide doughnuts, and you’ll be able to go for those long walks he enjoys if you’re leaner and fitter.
Your boss needs to hear why you should get a pay raise: You exceeded your targets yet again, you’re now fully versed in important software that you couldn’t previously use, and you have taken on additional responsibilities.
Now you have to make sure that when you ask you remember to state clearly these three reasons for saying yes, so the other person is in no doubt about the benefits of saying yes to you.
