How Parents and Kids Respect Each Other 6 Parenting Tips
The Option of Natural Childbirth
Real change happens in steps too small to measure and at the corner of the eye.
Stan Hodson
Stories from the No-Fault Zone
In each of these stories and dialogues, parents celebrate the small, everyday successes that help them build their confidence and skills and give them hope that they will be able to live the love they feel for their children.
These are actual stories from friends, workshop participants, and clients. We hope that they will inspire you and help you to calibrate your expectations and celebrate little steps along the way to making your home a No-Fault Zone.
Saved by Self-Empathy
Our friend Sheri celebrated that she was able to quickly choose a productive and compassionate response to her child by first giving herself a moment of empathy.
Sheri was caught off-guard when she came into her living room, still panting and sweating after going for a run. As she was catching her breath, she walked to her six-year-old, Simon, to see what he was doing.
At that moment, her eight-year-old son, Darin, said, with an agitated edge to his voice, You stink! And why are you always helping Simon and never paying attention to what I’m doing?
She felt all the blood rush to her head and then heard herself yelling.
Before she could launch into either blaming him (How dare you . . .) or blaming herself (What a horrible mom to yell at him like that!), she caught herself at a choice point: Go into a downward spiral of anger or pause, take a breath, and check in with herself. Recognizing this choice point, she quickly took the breath and checked in: [Wow. When Darin said that, I felt really upset because I needed understanding. When I responded by yelling at him, I felt so sad, because I want to have respect and understanding between us.]
Notice how different her response is from self-judgment which can keep one spinning with self-denigrating thoughts like, I shouldn’t . . ., I should . . ., and I’m a bad mom. Also notice that this self-empathy didn’t take long because Sheri has been practicing her communication skills for several months. The self-empathy gave her enough clarity and relief to lead her to wonder about what was going on with her son: [When I hear and see him so upset, I’m curious what’s going on.]
She was then able to be empathetic with him and check in to see what he felt and needed at that moment: So, Darin, you seem very upset. I wonder if you need some understanding about what happened.
Darin’s anger dissolved into tears, and he was able to tell his mom about something that had happened at school that was the real cause of his upset.
The Power of Loving Acceptance
This mother’s pivotal choice to turn from judging her daughter to accepting her opened the door for new opportunities to connect and communicate with each other.
I found myself at a point in my relationship with my fourteen-year-old daughter that I never dreamed could be so painful. For the past year, I’ve noticed a steady increase in angry, reactive encounters between us. I saw behaviors that I judged as rude, selfish, lazy, and even cruel. Her response to my asking for help was negative, and as I began to insist, her reaction would be, You twit!
I found myself avoiding her and even recoiling from her touch.
Realizing that I didn’t even want my daughter to touch me was a shocking, sobering low point for me. The horrifying thought crossed my mind that maybe I didn’t even love her. This was too painful to consider; however, I knew that something had to change, and I knew that it was unlikely to be her.
I realized how much I do love her, and what I wanted most was to find some way to convey that to her. I began to notice my physical responses to her behavior-how my stomach tightened, my throat constricted, and my breathing became shallow. All of this happened even before I could tell myself how disrespectful she was.
I decided to consciously relax my body and allow the tightened muscles to loosen, to give space to all the tight places inside. As I was able to make this shift more and more easily, the knee-jerk reactions to her behavior lost their hold on me, and I was able to stay with feelings of openness, appreciation, and affection. I saw that I had been looking to my daughter to meet my needs for respect, support, and co-operation and that what she really needed from me was loving acceptance. I saw that expecting my daughter to be a certain way was actually a demand. As she began to experience more acceptances she began to soften. She still felt free to express herself but in a kinder, more considerate way. I’m so grateful that now, when my daughter comes into the room, even when she isn’t happy, I want, first, to reach out and hug her.
Connect with Empathy and Establish Intention
This mom explained to us that, while she had not been a “big yeller,” she had from time to time raised her voice while using words to “cut, shame, and blame” her kids. The experience was always upsetting for her and for her kids. She was excited to learn a way to express honestly without any blame or upset. I’m so grateful to have been introduced to NVC. Of course, I wish I’d learned it before my sons were born, before I got married, or when I was a teenager in my parents’ home. When I first discovered this new way of interacting with my sons I was learning the hard way that it was an illusion to think I could control them. It was painfully obvious to me that they were going to experiment and make choices I didn’t enjoy. I realized that my relationship with them was going to depend on my ability to connect with them where they were. I have learned to trust that even when we don’t agree or are very upset with each other, we can reconnect, learn from the situation, and move on, together. The connection between us has grown very strong, and it is the thing I value the most. NVC has given me the concrete skills for building and deepening it.
This story is about the night I came home from my first NVC course and was talking with my two sons, ages eleven and fifteen years old.
Son: Oh, brother, what course have you taken now, Mama? You’re talking weird.
I rejected my first reaction, which was to say, I’m trying to be a better parent.
Do you think you could be a little more supportive? I chose instead to focus on them rather than take the comment as a criticism.
Mom: Are you guys curious and wondering what I’m up to?
They both looked very interested, so I plunged in.
Mom: I’m learning a neat way to communicate that will help me say things without getting as angry as I usually do.
They looked even more interested.
Son: You mean you’re not going to yell anymore?
Mom: Yeah. I’m learning ways to say what I want so that I won’t get so frustrated. I can’t promise I won’t yell, but I think I won’t be feeling as confused and frustrated so much of the time and I won’t burst out yelling as much.
Their eyes were riveted on me.
Mom: I’m guessing you’re feeling pretty excited by that idea. You’d like to be spoken to with respect?
Both heads nodded vigorously.
Mom: I would really like your help with this. I would like to hear from you when you don’t like how I’m speaking to you.
They look at each other.
Sons (in unison): Really?
Mom: Oh, yes, because I don’t enjoy yelling either, probably just as much as you don’t enjoy being yelled at.
I got that one right, too. I’m on a roll. It seemed to me that we were on a team now, talking about how great it will be when I can use my words.
Mom: So how was this conversation for you two?
They hesitate. I sense they feel cautious, yet optimistic.
Son: This is great, Mama. Let’s see what happens.
